This is a little late, but not really. Chinese New Year celebrations just ended. While the rest of the politically correct world rants and roars about the rights and wrongs of races in America, I don’t ever get a Happy New Year come Chinese New Year because nobody sees me as Asian. This is my grandfather, Bonifacio Lee. I’m not sure of his background, but know he was indeed Chinese. It has been very difficult connecting with this part of my family tree. My family is quite keen on keeping the skeletons in closets locked up. It is the only image I have of my grandfather. The only history I know of him is that he was a Chinese professor teaching in Panama where he met my grandmother, Josefina Peñalba. The two married and proceeded to have 15 children. Yeah, I know. My dad is one of 10. Both my parents are the youngest of their siblings. The story goes like this, my grandparents went to China during the 50s and while there, the war broke out. They called all Panamanian citizens back and as my family fled, my grandfather was shot in his collarbone. They made the trip back to Panama. My mother was born shortly after. The bullet was never removed from his collarbone and it resulted in relentless pain which was relieved by the numbing effects of alcohol and eventually, ironically, a self-induced bullet. My mother tells me of stories of seeing his ghost working in the yard and how the dinner table would end up turned over as they prayed for him. I’ve always loved history and my own family has been a mystery for quite some time. I have a thing with lack of closure.

In 2003, on my birthday, 16 years ago, I had received a birthday card from one of my best friends. The card stated very promptly that our friendship was over and no details of why such an action had to be taken. Fast forward to 2017, where once again, my best friend broke up with me for reasons unknown. Both of these times created great anxiety in me due to lack of closure or conversation. The biggest non-closure of my life was getting divorced without ever speaking about it. Sure, there were specific facts that lead to such things, but I have yet to have a conversation as to why these things actually occurred. I don’t know if you know what that feels like? It gnaws at you. I don’t care why people dismiss me or not, it’s the conversation that never took place that bugs me.

So, here I am in 2019, and it’s the Year of the Earth Pig. It is the end of a cycle if you know anything about lunar calendars and its zodiac. The pig is the last to win the race, thus its position. It is slow to say the least, but also a very wealthy year is in the works. As with all new years, I write a letter to the world. It basically gives all my well wishes and happy holidays to the people in my social network, work, friends, family, etc., etc. Every year I set new goals. Some are reached by December 31st and some bleed into the next year. This past year was particularly full of ups and downs, personally and occupationally.

I had started off the year strong with real estate. I love my work. I love that I can be creative and talk to people and mostly help others. In celebration of my 45th birthday in last February, I decided to add yet another skill to my palette, Real Estate Agent. I figured if I’m going to be in this business, I’m going to be in it to win it. So now, I am doing three different jobs, freelance work, and waiting tables twice a week, and yet, I still struggle to pay bills or eat sometimes. I don’t think I’ll ever get it. I don’t think I’ll ever be that person who buys a new car or gets to find the perfect fit jeans. I honestly think my sole purpose in life is to work a myriad of different jobs and never financially succeed and becoming 45 was challenging. You women know what I speak of for sure. I’ve never felt so bad about my physicality before. I had the worse anxiety of my life this year. My first panic attack. My first missed period in a lifetime and well, it has come to my attention that, yes, yes I’ve just about completed any hopes for future humans. I don’t fit in my clothes. It hurts to wear heels. I have a hard time keeping my balance most days. It is a very debilitating experience that they don’t tell you in health class. Sorry, for the realness, but hey, I just want to give a fist up to my sisters. I however can relish in the success of getting hit on while playing Trivia Crack. There are a lot of bored husbands out there!

There is no worse thing for me than the feeling of being unsettled. I felt this past year was a bunch of rushing around and a lot of hurry up and waiting. I felt like I was being pulled, pushed, and hurried for everything while feeling quite stuck. I’m looking around the house at the unfinished hutch, the still unopened boxes, and last week’s laundry waiting to be folded. I mean, have you ever felt like you were literally unmoved? So, that’s all the bad stuff, well that and of course death which seemed unruly and unsuspected more times than I can count. I had a lot of unfinished business in 2018.

Finally, the present. Sunday, I turned 46. It was the most uneventful birthday of my life. I’m not saying that because I’m upset about it, but because it truly had no fanfare. A simple dinner at moms, a small gathering of friends, and a lot of HBD’s on my Facebook feed. It was a lowkey transition to say the least. I’ve been sick for quite a number of days which is unusual in and of itself. I keep freaking myself out with the fright of the possibility of getting pneumonia and dying. That’s my thought process these days, “Oh my god, what is that feeling, do I have cancer?” It’s all eminent. I will say, as February approached, the heavy weight I felt of the last year seem to lift. I have more direction right now and focus which I didn’t have in 2018, what was unstuck has become loosened.

So I come back to closure. Just as I’m trying to figure out the history of my genome, I’m also trying to do what the kids and that Marie Kondo are doing, tidying up. Getting rid of the weight of clutter that has commanded and influenced my physical and mental states. It has not been easy for this greeting card saving, ticket stub framing kinda gal. I’ve been holding on for dear life the life I used to live and realize I cannot do that anymore and why should I? That’s the real question. Why don’t I deserve closure?

To part with history is to part with a limb for me. Amongst the dated wine corks, cards, and matchbooks, I find that bond starting to fade. I can’t say I like it, it’s very uncomfortable, often times I find myself hyperventilating at the thought. It does make me sad to know that what once was will never be again. Living in the past is what has gotten me into the future and now the past wants to say goodbye and I’m not sure i know how to handle that. I feel like if I let go of it, it’s me giving me up. Then there’s the other side of that. Isn’t it time for me to be happy on my own? How long do I have to live with feeling guilty for my decisions? Have I not been true and honest? I feel like I have, but I feel like it’s not without judgement. I feel like I’m done waiting to be invited. I don’t need to have that validation anymore, yet it still hurts. I’ve only got so many olive branches and most of them are ill deserved. I think I’m just one of those people that needs to have that conclusion, kinda like when someone breaks up with me, I need to know why?

I never thought at 46 I would be growing a new branch, but I will say for the first time in a really long time, it feels good and right. You know when you are looking for a house and you’ve gone to a million of them, all great houses, all with things you want in them, yet there’s one in particular that when you walk in, it showers you with “YESSSSS! This is home”. You can’t explain it, but it just feels like it fits and that’s where I am today, something I want to do, just fits. I have a tendency to get stuck in a routine. I’m a fixed being. I feel most comfortable when I have this continuous realm, but I also crave change. It’s very conflicting. My days are quite quoted with work, home, family, etc, and it terrifies me, like in one of those Twilight Zone kind of ways. But, something happened in January and I’m rolling with it. Some sort of energy has come out of nowhere and gotten me off my ass mentally. Then, yesterday, as I walked into WaWa contemplating a sub and Cheetos, I saw the blinking dots of an awaited answer to ‘what’s for dinner’. As I looked up towards the back door, the face was familiar, but somehow seeing my Mister randomly catch my eye in unsuspecting manner, made me smile. It made me happy. He wasn’t walking in the front door of our home. I wasn’t meeting him at the bar. It was just this moment of “Hello, stranger.” And in that moment I remembered this is my new beginning and we both just walked in at the same time feeling the same way.

So, although my life is full of shut doors full of undisclosed information, this year I’m choosing the door in front of me and opening it up wide. Why should I wait for others to come to terms with their baggage when I can move on free of mine. Happy Year of the Pig, it’s going to be sweet and slow and an end to the 60 year cycle. I’m planning on rolling around in the mud on this one and collecting the wealth it brings.