In 3rd grade, as I stood in the lunch line getting ready to get my chocolate milk and what was hopefully pizza, a boy my height stood behind. At some point I turned around, we looked at each other and he said, “Are you a chink?” I looked at him confused and clearly had no idea what he was talking about. I think I said, “I dunno, are you?” and turned away.

My mom recalls being called a “nigger” in the 70’s in rural Louisiana. I remember her being called “dark” a lot. My mom was an exotic creature to them and I do believe her beauty surpassed the ignorance. Often times people would look at us, perplexed, confused by beauty and the inability to characterize us. Do you know how many times someone, I mean all races have asked me, “What are you, I know you’re something, but I can’t figure it out.”

I’m writing this now because I’ve had a lot of feelings pent up inside me. I’ve been afraid for the first time in my life to open my big mouth. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of being misunderstood, and afraid this will be misconstrued as some hierarchy of what is prevailing on the streets. I hear a lot of preaching. I hear a lot of, to be frank, white noise.

I am an immigrant. I am a woman. I am a human. The schools I went to from grades K-8th were predominately black. We lived in a white middle class neighborhood, until they built project apartments next to us. We did not move. To be honest, the neighbors were not happy about it, but nobody moved. Crime did increase in the area. I remember my dad opening the door one night to a black man bleeding asking for help. His girlfriend stabbed him during an altercation. I also remember the asshole child molester who lived three doors down my parents were friends with, but you know it’s the black people you need to be afraid of. I also remember a lot more foot traffic, and they were intensely afraid of dogs. I couldn’t understand why, I told my passerby that it was ok, he wouldn’t bite, but they would retract and run past. My neighborhood was your typical community in the 80s — kids on bikes, trampolines in backyards, children in the streets until sunset — all kids.

I do not ever recall a day in school that I heard the “N” word. It wouldn’t be until 5th grade that we had an influx of Cambodian and Vietnamese residents, and that was the first time I heard constant racial slurs. The word “colored” was used in every day speech on both sides and the “N” word was used to denote “bad black folk”. We had our fair share of the whitest trash you’ve ever seen, probably more so, but I grew up in a very tiny town full of hard working poor people. So the racism was there, but it wasn’t, if that makes any sense at all. We definitely had segregation, white folks lived here, black folks there and I think that spilled over from times past. Then I moved to Virginia.

I’m a proud Cajun-Latino-Chinese American. My dad recalls when his family moved from Texas to Louisiana, they were not allowed to speak French, it was literally in the Louisiana Constitution of 1921…

Children were chastised and humiliated when they spoke French in those schools. In order to spare their children this humiliation, they let them assimilate and never learn French, and those children, since they lost the language, would often lose their identity shortly after, or that identity would become completely alienated and removed from its proper context.

The only language my dad knew was French so he had to learn English if he wanted to go to school. They were made fun of for their accents and my dad said it took them some time to get assimilated. Thankfully, the culture was not lost completely and I had the privilege to integrate my family’s traditions into my upbringing.

I don’t know if I’m just an anomaly, but my upbringing, despite how many “N” words I heard, no matter how many times people asked me what creature was I, or how many times “ching chong chings” I heard, I honestly never saw color. Maybe it was growing up watching Sesame Street, Electric Company, and Mr. Rogers. Those shows taught me it was ok to be different and had a diverse group of people on them. It could have been my Catholic upbringing as well. I recall sitting in catechism singing:

Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red, brown, yellow, black and white
They are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world

Although I’m not a practicing Catholic, I was taught pretty early on to love thy neighbor. My dad brought black music into my life. He is a huge Motown, blues, Jazz and R&B guy and that was implemented heavily in my every day life. I think my dad being in the military so long, marrying a foreign woman, and also being college educated made him less susceptible to falling into the ingrained racism of his state.

I’ve always just seen human, I never cared about sexuality, color, race, whatever — who cares. I know some people want to call that out, but I think when you are one of those people, you do your best to blend in where you can. All I need to know is, are you a good person? Do you treat others nicely? Will you respect them? That’s all I cared and all I ever care about.

Do you know how many of my dear friends have jokingly called me racial slurs or judged my culture? I once had a boyfriend who said, “How can you call yourself Latin when you can’t speak Spanish fluently?” I had another boyfriend who told me, “Your black friends don’t act real in front of you, you know that right?” WTF does that mean?? The encounters are numerous, the experiences real, yet time and time again I’m being told how to feel from people. That isn’t very open minded is it?

Oh RVA, how I love thee. I have suffered not knowing where my cultural identity fits in this world. I think the subject of race and cultural identity is incredibly convoluted. You can’t fix the problem with a few protests or some very strong Facebook post. It doesn’t happen like that. Change, especially in America is gradual. You also need to understand the foundation of all of it. This problem has been since the beginning of time with lots of different types of people in all different countries. Yes, I understand now it’s about black and white, but once again, you want to know where “systemic” comes from, you’ve got to start at the beginning. You also need to know this is completely learned behavior.

When the initial uproar about the monuments started, I expressed how I felt about the removal of them by sharing a story that was suppose to be one of strength. I was received with a backlash of “white dominance”. Yes, my white friends decided to school me on what I should be saying about the monuments rather than sharing this story. People deleted me and well, whatever. Even my black friends thought it was humorous because they frankly agreed, “Who gives a shit about a statue that’s been there, let white people fight over that shit.” The best was someone, another Asian American calling me “privileged”. Oh, I’m sorry am I not dark or yellow enough for you? Yes, I was angry and still am angry about it, especially because this person wasn’t even from here. I’ve been harassed by people my whole life. I’ve been sought to date because I was part Asian. I’ve been made fun of because I spoke with an accent when I came here. My mother has been told to go back where she came from. My actual friends have made fun of my culture, my mother, as well as my dad’s family for being “redneck hillbillies” — just because they live in the deep south. Yeah, they are white but I have cousins who have married into black families and Cajun culture is a whole different animal, so shut the fuck up. My point being you don’t know anyone’s story until you’ve sat down and had a conversation.

So, I’m a little upset at what’s happening right now. I have that right. I’ve never followed the grain and I never always agree with the masses. I’m also a cynic. So why am I upset? I’m upset that white people think we need them to fight our fight at their convenience, selective activism if you will. Liberals talk to other liberals. Nobody is listening to you preach to the choir. Yes, things need to change. Yes, it is completely horrid and wrong what happened to these people. I’m not denying that whatsoever. I’m an ally for sure, duh, it’s like being a feminist, it shouldn’t have to be shouted from the rooftops, it should just be understood. I empathize with the anger as well, but this is not just a one incident issue. This has been going on since the beginning of time against a lot of people.

I’ve been seeing an influx of white people spreading their “good” across the land. Just last night I spoke with an ESL teacher who has friends asking for book recommendations on racism. Really? Oh, now you wanna be woke. Now it’s convenient for you to raise the flags and get mad about racism. Where the fuck were you when it began? I don’t recall you throwing bricks at skinheads in the 80s/90s. I don’t recall you speaking up when my people were referred to as rapists and drug dealers. I don’t recall you getting that upset when children were pent up in cages — CHILDREN. I also don’t recall you having one single black friend. So, I guess you guys better go out and get some. And now, now you wanna get on the soapbox and speak for us. Gee, thanks. In three months time, something else will happen and it will divert your ADD ass somewhere else. You wanna know what else, stop telling me how to feel or what to do in these situations. My silence does not mean I don’t care or I’m not doing anything. I’ve been doing things.

I help communities by showing my support and giving them my patronage. I have a plethora of friends who fit in all categories including genders, ethnicity, religions and economic status. I talk about race with people ALL the time. I’ve sat with people who’ve asked me “What are you” plenty of times and had an open and honest conversation about culture and race. You’d be surprised to find out a lot of people that grow up this way aren’t these terrible people, they just need EDUCATION. How many of you angry white people gone into a black community? How many of you have volunteered to educate or help these communities rise up? How many of you have sat in a room of non-whites? While your children are toting “BLM” signs, ask yourself how many black kids do they have playdates with? And honestly, what the fuck is your child doing at a protest when they can’t even understand the concept yet? You’re using them to tote your agenda, which in my humble opinion is kinda fucked up. Instead of exposing them to normal human interactions, you’ve now isolated race for them. My 7 year old step daughter loves her black friends, but she didn’t even know they were black until someone pointed out how white she was. We talk about acceptance in our household. We teach her about culture and language because it’s our fucking job as parents to instill this in the most developmental state in their life.

Are you giving your thrift goods to black churches, have you even been to a black church before? I have. It’s glorious. While you’re buying $300+ homes in once owned black communities, how you are preserving that community and living with people of color instead of driving them out? Do you celebrate Cinco de Mayo? I have tons of friends who do, margaritas in hand. Do you take Columbus Day off? Do you have friends who live on reservations? You just raised millions of dollars for bailing out protesters, yet do you know how much poverty exists in the United States? Do you know how many black children you can educate with that? Do you know how many single black mothers you can help with those funds? Poor people don’t have the luxury of being inspired, they have accepted their cyclical plot in life. What’s going to happen when it’s over? Are you going to give all your money and resources to help others out of poverty? Is all the vandalism and rioting and looting going to change these people’s lives?

Look, I know this about police brutality and the mistreatment of black people, but the problem is way deeper than George Floyd. It’s a horrific thing to watch someone die on live stream. It’s tragic no one stepped in. It’s appalling that police officers like this are on the streets. It’s absolutely disgusting what has been proven time and time again, think about what’s not on social media. The KKK still exists. Nazis still exist. White supremacy still exists. Think about that. Think about how organized they can be. I had no idea a man who lived two neighborhoods from me was the leader of the Richmond KKK. The fact that I just typed that out, is insane. Don’t take them for granted. They will infiltrate high level positions. You all realize this right? You realize that people like Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein, with money and influence, can do anything they want, obviously. We are witnessing a real life dictatorship. We are witnessing the President of a country based on freedom, opportunity and built from immigrants destroy that very foundation with his non-sense rhetoric. Isn’t that what they needed? Pay attention. Focus. Stop voting for “meh” candidates. Stop getting angry at bullshit media fed problems. Remember, THEY work for US, they are in SERVICE to us, not the other way around. If you give that up, then we no longer have a democracy and you can just live in a fascist state.

It’s time to be the change. If this many people can get riled up, raise millions, and so forth, then overthrow what doesn’t work anymore. That’s the real revolution. Get pissed, but not just for your Instagram account. Get loud, but where you can be heard. You’re not going to change a racist mind because you tagged a statue or lifted your fist in the air, it takes real dedication and commitment to change something like this. And it’s a worldly problem that isn’t just going to go away. So before you give yourself a pat on the back, ask yourself, are you willing to progress a movement or will you just put a nice bandaid on a centuries old wound?

Also, not all law enforcement is bad. Some of these men and women have the same tenets as you do. It’s not fair to lump them all in one category when some have done some really great things for their communities. You want it to stay that way? Vote in your city and state elections. Let’s stop seeing the world as one color or another and how about we all just treat others as we want to be treated. Help those who need it most. Stop feeling guilty and bad about the past and start getting active about the future. Build your communities up, don’t destroy them. And for the love of all lives, EDUCATE yourself! It’s just a conversation away. No person is better than anyone else and NOBODY deserves to pass judgement on a person’s life. Justice will be served and today starts the catalyst on the road to change but we need to start building the highway to a new normalcy.

I hope nobody takes offense to what my feelings are. It is not intended to offend anyone. It is however, my want to call out the bullshit and as a person of color (as they are calling me these days), I’m absolutely drained by all social media and news feeds. Racism is bad. Sexism is bad. Fascism is bad. Gay bashing is bad. Duh.