Death. Destruction. Dire. Dickbag. The letter D is not one to be discreet in being the beginning of many a devastating word. Divorce being one of them. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been observing the evolution of the relationship, from near and afar. I’ve realized in my own relationship trials that I have misspoke on a lot of situations due to pure lack of exposure. Right now I’m watching people in working entanglements which needed to be reworked to make them sustainable. That includes everything from polyamorous to separate housing to open marriages, but sometimes none of it keeps it together and we must accept defeat, but it is what we are left with after the wreckage that has the most impact.

I recently had a friend go through a very difficult divorce and she posts this line:

Often people tell me ‘well, you have your kids, and that should be enough.’ I am so deeply and extraordinarily grateful for my two children. What I am sharing now is different…it’s more about a loss of self. Who am I?

Who are you indeed. This tends to happen to women going through divorce. The loss of self is great. We want to love hard and in doing so, we sacrifice our identity within a relationship. Ask yourself, have you given up anything? Did you used to go down to dinner alone on Sunday to chit chat with the locals? Did you use to love hockey, but barely watch the playoffs? Did you have children and give up all your single friends? If yes, I suggest putting yourself in check.

I fell in love the hardest at 23. 23. I see that number now and I think, my goodness how in the world did I know who I was then. He was 21. 21. Barely legal to drink, this boy, and we decided that we were going to be each other’s world. Fast forward, no kids, some indiscretions, one stroke, one divorce, and we are no longer in each other’s orbit. I remember sitting in the attorney’s office with my best friend. I saw the “signature” he could barely write due to his accident, and right before me the years of my life, 23-38, 15 years of it, were supposedly completed with a stroke of a pen (no pun intended). No closure, no thanks for the memories, no nothing. And that’s how I felt—nothing.

When you feel nothing, you give nothing. When it happened, my doctor asked if I was ok and I told her what I had just experienced. She wanted drugs and a therapist for me right away, but I refused. I wanted all the pain so I wouldn’t forget. She said, “But you have suffered a death.” I replied, “Have I? The only thing that is dead, is me.”

Anyone who says divorce is fun, is lying. We as women are taught pretty early on that we will fall in and out of love, but don’t worry, THE ONE will find you and you will live happily ever after with the right mate. We are to believe these preconceived notions of what the role is we are to play, but nobody told us what to bring in case of emergency. When most women get divorced they lose a lot of weight, prepping us for the release of pheromones we are about to bombard the world with again. We lose weight, we take lots of angular selfies, we cry a whole lot in the shower, we tell everyone we are ok, we drink copious amounts of alcohol and then we do the dumbest shit—we get back out there, not without making some really, really bad decisions. Every case is different mind you and I can only speak of mine and those who’ve shared theirs with me.

Loss of Self. The plan was, to beat every woman in line to my future fiancé. I would delete any red flags. I would show him I could be the best life partner he’s ever seen (because at 21 all boys think of is marriage, ha), and I will absolutely forget who the fuck I was after 15 years. When we build a life with someone and create that history, we as women, unequivocally forget who we are. We do this early on. Have you ever dated a guy who loved the Cowboys, but you hated football and a year later you’re wearing cute Cowboy paraphernalia while you both strut into a room, arms locked around the other’s waist and he gives the nod to his boys that his woman is the shit? Have you ever hated Bukowski, yet decided to adorn your bookshelf with his words to show him, you really understand him? We are trained to do this. We don’t look at it as poseurish behavior, we look at it as a way to connect with our partners, to show them we support them and hope they love us for such efforts. Oh, and it is our main source of strategy.

With each of these little “offerings” comes another reduction of self. I say women do this more so than men, because we are better strategists in the relationship realm. Sorry, guys, you are usually unaware in recognizing such play. Now, these can be teachable moments from your partner. My love of Jazz came from my ex and so did my love of motorcycles. I learned a lot from him delving into those subjects, but in those additions I also stopped writing and I ceased looking for jobs I had any passion for, because you know, I had to be “responsible”. When we were together I had be “nicer”, I had to become part of his pack, often times choosing his family over mine, and I even started dressing differently. I did not dictate his behavior and always wanted to contribute to his growth, yet it stunted mine.

The “work” they talk about in relationships is basically working to become one, as they say. This is an incorrect direction. I am not this person I have committed myself to be with. We are two separate entities building a life of common interests and compromised cohabitation which may or may not lead to procreation. I know right? So sexy. Truly. After my 15 year relationship ended, I too, as my friend, questioned, “Who am I?, Who was I? and Who do I want to be now”. It took a very long time to reprogram to myself again and also to recognize the growth that had taken place. I started out as a girl who was passionate, and sure about herself to a grown woman who had no idea what she wanted out of life or even what made her happy. Also, people who say that children define us are incorrect. They are lovely DNA etched legacies of ourselves, but they have a whole other autonomy about them and the same goes for our partners.

When we start restricting or giving the notion to our partners that it is not ok for them to have their own lives, we are teaching ourselves that you must give up part, if not all of who we are, for the sake of the relationship. This is not a healthy alternative. A lot of us (Gen Xers) couldn’t wait to start a life—with someone else. So much so, we introduced the term “Trial Marriage” to the lexicon. It is not a natural state to become the person you are bound to. I am currently exploring this in my own relationship. I’ve always been a serial monogamous who tends to the emotional wounds of others. It is not a thriving place to be in when you must maintain the responsibility of holding the emotional crutch or baggage of others. It was very easy to give up myself in sacrifice for someone else’s validation in life. I know I have this pattern, and it started to rear its ugly head recently. So then comes the built up hostility and resentment, and so builds up the rebellion of the union. So comes, the return of self to the usual disappointment of your partner.

We cannot expect to become our partners. We cannot expect to ask permission to be who we are as sole human beings. Couplings are getting a redesign in modern society. No longer are traditional gender roles being fulfilled or wanted for that matter. I think there would be less divorce if we were more truthful with who we are, which is non-monogamous and autonomous. This does not mean I don’t believe in the monogamous relationship, I’m just saying there are many different scenarios that are being practiced these days that are completely sustainable. I think people are always going to want to enter the state of marriage, but how we enter it should be examined truthfully.

“If one is not happy with themselves, they cannot have the capability to love others.” I hear this quite frequently. We are not here to change who others are. We choose to be in these relationships so we can feel secure, loved, cared for and because a lot of us don’t want to be alone. I will never, ever choose anyone over myself again. It was too hard coming back and some of those pieces are gone forever. If you want a happy bond, don’t dictate or define your partner. Give them the freedom, space, and trust to be who they are. You might not actually like who they are, and you could save yourself a lot of time nipping that in the bud. We shouldn’t expect others to become us, to swallow them whole, so they are left with this empty version of themselves that was created throughout the relationship. Ask yourself, how much are you willing to give up to make that person feel they are important, loved and supported? In the end, we only have ourselves, right? If this union breaks at some point, who will you be left with, the shadow of who you were or the self you came into it with?